9 Ways to Support Kids Who Struggle with Friendship

It’s not uncommon for parents to worry about kids and friendships—watching your child struggle to make friends can be painful. And this concern can be amplified for parents of children with developmental disabilities. The social world of a child with disabilities is often limited to an inner circle of immediate family members and an outer circle of paid adult helpers (e.g., aides, teachers, and therapists), and sometimes school inclusion practices are not optimal. Expanding social circles requires that parents take an active role in facilitating meaningful peer relationships, both inside and outside of school. Here are nine recommendations for how to support kids who are struggling to make friends.

1. Support your kid’s involvement in school activities…without you

School activities such as clubs, arts programs, school spirit events, sports, dances, and more can enrich a child’s life in many ways. For example, extracurricular activities can help kids build skills (social or otherwise), learn to work as a member of a team, make new friends, and build confidence. It’s also important to support a kid’s ability to go to school social events, such as football games and dances, without a parent. If needed, you can ask for an aide to support your child during extracurricular activities.

2. Try extracurricular activities outside of school

Extracurricular activities outside of school can help kids grow an interest while becoming part of their community. Here are some ideas:

• Scouting America: There are Scouting units exclusively composed of Scouts with disabilities, but Scouts also encourages participation within regular units.
• Activity-based groups such as Anchorless Productions unite children with disabilities and typically developing peers around activities such as producing plays.
• Local parks and recreation departments often have offerings such as dance, arts and crafts, or movement classes, as well as summer camps and sports leagues.
• Local chapters of Autism Society, Down syndrome organizations like Club 21, and similar organizations offer parent support, recreational activities, and other resources.
• Sports leagues—and not just leagues for kids with disabilities—provide great opportunities for fun, meaningful peer interaction. Your child has the right to access the same opportunities as other children. Leagues and camps on public grounds are required to accommodate children with disabilities.
• Martial arts clubs provide a consistent social outlet, and some research has shown it to have social benefits, particularly for children with autism.

Note that in June 2021, Regional Center restored social-recreational funding so that families can access opportunities for their children to participate in recreational activities such as theater and sport programs, swimming lessons, and summer camps with peers. Families need to ensure that social-recreational goals are included in their annual IPP.

3. Try a volunteer friend program

Organizations such as Friendship Foundation create opportunities for neurodivergent and neurotypical kids to become friends through online and in-person programs and activities.

4. Explore lunchtime social clubs

Many elementary and middle schools, and some high schools, have lunch club activities. They are usually held once a week, and are topic-specific and voluntary.

A lunch club can also be started from scratch; it will require an adult to supervise (usually a teacher) and a space (often, the supervising teacher can host the club in their classroom). Friendship Foundation, which hosts inclusive lunchtime “Friendship Clubs” in thirty-five schools across ten districts, can offer support and guidance for parents interested in starting a lunchtime club. Michelle Manzano, School Programs Director, says that navigating lunch schedules and finding a teacher liaison can be daunting at first, but once the club is going, it’s pretty easy.

5. Ask about peer mentoring opportunities

Schools can be proactive in creating opportunities for proximity and shared interests. Research shows that peer support arrangements can offer both academic and social support to classmates with disabilities.

6. Communicate with educators about creating an inclusive classroom culture

Dr. Sarah Pelangka (BCBA-D), a special education advocate and owner of KnowIEPs, advises that all children need to be taught acceptance to help build an inclusive culture in the classroom. She notes that oftentimes kids may not want to be mean but they don’t know what to do or say. “We need to create that [inclusive] culture and the only way we are going to do that is by getting that psychoeducation out there and providing training opportunities for the whole population of the school,” said Pelangka. Communicate with your child’s teacher to ask about inclusive practices in the classroom, and offer resources if needed.

7. Consider social skills instruction

Social skills instruction may be helpful if your child is struggling to develop friendships. If you are looking to support your child in this domain during the summer months, our summer camp guide includes camps that offer support with social skills.

And when it comes to social skills, Undivided Parent Lelah Coppedge encourages parents to support kids in the development of often overlooked social skills. “We get so sidetracked by actions and what we need to do. We forget those fundamental things to start teaching them—being brave, being persistent, and giving them a lot of confidence in themselves. We have to instill those things in kids because they’re going to be the ones who have to take them further than you can take them. It has to come from within,” Coppedge notes.

8. Write socialization into the IEP

Parents can advocate for support with socialization or social skills in the IEP because socialization is a core component of the school experience. Undivided Non-Attorney Special Education Advocate Lisa Carey offers some ideas for how to write socialization into a student’s IEP:

• Write speech goals that facilitate peer interaction and inclusion. For example, if your child has a speech goal that focuses on turn-taking, you could write a goal that begins with, “In a small group that includes peers with and without disabilities, [the student] will…”
• Use classroom peers as models to encourage inclusion. Goals for learning class routines—such as lining up for recess or participating in class discussion by raising their hand—can specify that a student uses peer models to work on classroom tasks. “As kids get older, learning to use peer models becomes a self-accommodation,” Carey says.
• Request recreation therapy services. Recreation therapy is a lesser known service that is specifically intended to help students learn the skills necessary to participate in the social aspects of education. It’s also one of the related services that not enough parents know about. These services can be provided both at school and through after-school programs, such as those offered by the local parks and recreation department or youth development programs.

9. Look within your neighborhood

Finally, look within your neighborhood. Dr. Mary Falvey, emerita professor from the Division of Special Education and Counseling at California State University Los Angeles and a national authority on inclusive education, notes, “What we know from a lot of the research that’s been done over the years is that children’s friendships are most likely to be formed when there’s close proximity and frequent opportunity.” She shares that even if kids don’t share similar interests, they can teach each other about their favorite things.

For more on inclusion, check out the related resources below. And if you want further support from Undivided—for example, help applying for public benefits or preparing for an IEP meeting and access to members-only office hours with specialists in insurance, public benefits, and special education—sign up for a free trial for our Platform membership.